Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Be dental with me
I try my best to be a good friend, to be comforting to my nearest and dearest when they hit a hard time, but it's not always possible. Frequently I'll meet someone who has failed their driving test, and I'll do my darndest to comfort them with "You were probably just unlucky, shur the nerves alone is enough to make anyone fail", or "I hear the tester is a right (insert gender appropriate word for genitalia here)", or "They probably have a quota of people to fail each month so they can make money off the retests", or whatever other heartwarming gems I happen to have close at hand. My forlorn friend will then start to perk up and ask how many times I had to take the test before passing? Unfortunately my answer is along the lines of "I passed it first time, but that was only because I approached it with seriousness and took plenty of lessons beforehand to make sure I was adequately prepared and guaranteed to sail through it." This has the magic effect of completely undoing anything uplifting that was said previously.
Similarly anytime I meet someone complaining about wisdom teeth acting the wiseguy, my response is usually (pulls face) "Oooh, tell me about it?" When they give me a sympathetic look, I then have to elaborate that they will have to tell me about it as my teeth are perfectly straight: I've never needed braces, and my wisdoms pop up like pretty maids all in a row, never needing to be pulled, excavated, or demolished like most other folks. Having to endure the glower that follows is pretty painful I tells ya.
Everything comes at a cost though, and in exchange for perfect teeth I have been given gums that tend to act the bollocks from time to time. Two of my last three visits to the dentist have been because of an infected gum flap (or to use the medical term, scumflap) around a wisdom tooth. When one feels a wisdom tooth coming up, the appropriate thing to do is give the area a thorough brushing to help keep it clean and help erode the (now useless) gum flap. When I felt a wisdom tooth coming up, I thought "Oooh, that's a bit tender, the sensible thing to do here is to keep the toothbrush out of the hurty zone" which then led to bits of food getting stuck under the gum flap, making it all nicely infected. So when it got so tender and hurty that I could no longer speak or eat, I then thought it wise to visit a dentist. When I explained that my mouth hurt like fuck, she then asked me to open wide so that she could stick medieval instruments of torture into the very area that hurt like fuck. After satisfying her desire to make a grown man cry, she then wrote me a prescription for very strong antibiotics, told me to take better care of my teeth/gums, and visit the dentist more often. You betcha I will, I've learned my lesson this time for sure!
Until two years later when once again I found myself in the very same position getting the same prescription for the same strong antibiotics. I pointed out that it was only happening on the left hand side of my mouth, and maybe this was indicative of a sinister scheme my gums had hatched against me? Without even acknowledging my clever wordplay, the dentist told me that it was only indicative of neglect, and that I really ought to visit more often.
That was two years ago, so it was with a certain pride that I rocked up to reception to make an appointment when there wasn't even anything the matter. I'm just here for a check up, what the hell, how about just a scale and polish instead! So will I book you in with the dental hygienist? Why not, shur I don't even need to see the dentist, aren't I great? The hygienist was an attractive woman, who did her best to assert an air of stern authoritarianism so that I would take her seriously as a professional. This plan backfired somewhat, as anyone who has been following my "Fortified MILF" series of erotic novels knows that I have a thing for stern authoritarian women.
So after much wincing and washing of teeth, I was told that for someone who neither smokes nor drinks red wine, I have an impressive amount of staining on my teeth. Impressive was not the exact word she used, I think it might have been shocking, but deep down I could tell she was impressed. There was also a ridiculously big buildup of plaque on the inside of my teeth, and my gumline was also receding. I then asked if this was God's way of punishing me, as although my hairline has remained intact he was now pulling back the gums as an act of divine retribution? No, it's a sign that you're brushing the outside too hard and the inside not enough. So how long before my gumline grows back to normal? Never! Take better care when you're brushing, start flossing, and on the way out make an appointment to see me again in six months.